I’m Ready For a $400 Bike Pump

I’m dead serious on this. I’d buy one in a heartbeat! Let me explain: I currently have in my possession 5 tire pumps, and I’m talkin’ floor pumps now, not frame pumps or micro, fit-in-your-jersey-pocket hand pumps, I mean the bigg’uns. None of them work properly. There are six pumps littering the floor of my garage currently: a Blackburn that frequently sends air out the Schrader hole when I’m on a presta valve, a Genuine Innovations that can’t produce more than 105psi before slipping off the valve, a Silca that is hella strong but the gauge is busted, a Wrench Force made of plastic with a gauge that is way off, a Joe Blow Sport that leaks air out of the hose near the base of the cylinder, and a Serfas that is also flawed.

I’m just going to announce this to bike minded inventors and to the current pump manufacturers of the world: I’m willing to spend $400 on my next floor pump! I seriously will do it, but it’s gotta have these attributes…

• It needs to be made out of a durable material. I don’t care if it’s cabon, aluminum, steel, titanium, unobtainium – whatever – I just want it to be strong and long lasting.
• I want a gauge that is high on the device so it can be easily seen (even by aging athletes with huge Vo2 but failing eyes) and accurate. Tire pressure is the number one most important thing to a bike’s handling and performance so why would we want a cheap, inaccurate, plastic, hissing gauge?
• It’s gotta deliver air to the tire during both the up stroke and the down stroke. There are pumps that do this already so this one’s gotta have that.
• Our new bitchin’ super-pump needs to have a chuck that will fit: presta, Schrader, and some built in off shoot that will sneak into a tri spoke or disc wheel opening.
• AND…that chuck has to be so simple that I can loan it to any member of team lobotomy and they will instantly know how to latch it to the stem and then disconnect it to the stem.
• I think this $400 tire pump could have style. There’s lots of style in cycling so some could drift into this device. Perhaps a carved handle or some ergonomic foot pads.
• It’s gotta have accessible, replaceable parts. This is the last pump I’m gonna buy so I need be able to get at, remove and replace stuff that might dry out or wear out.
• Lastly – this pump needs the mother of all warranties. I want to be able to send it back for either a full replacement or instant repair for a decade at the least.